Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) identifies negative interaction patterns that couples often fall into, commonly described as a pursue/withdraw cycle. In this dynamic, one partner (the pursuer) seeks closeness, often through criticism or demands, while the other partner (the withdrawer) retreats to maintain a sense of security. This cycle can lead to feelings of hurt, loneliness, rejection, and inadequacy.
Reflect on the following to understand your negative interaction patterns:
When I am upset with you, I feel:
Angry, sad, or disappointed
Alone or abandoned
Justified in my anger
Frustrated or deprived
Annoyed or irritated
Despairing or hopeless
Scared or anxious
Hurt, unheard, or unimportant
In response, I tend to:
Criticize or blame you
Interrupt you
Try to manipulate the situation
Yell or say hurtful things
Beg or plead
Make demands
Point out how you've hurt me
Repeatedly explain what I want
Withdraw or give up
Refuse to talk
Become overly logical
Try to fix the problem immediately
Defend myself
Prove I'm right and you're wrong
Justify my feelings and actions
Counter-criticize or counter-attack
I behave this way because I hope to:
[Identify your underlying desires, such as seeking reassurance, understanding, or connection.]
But when I do this, you seem to:
[Note your partner's typical reactions, possibly mirroring the behaviors listed above.]
When you react this way, I feel:
[Reflect on the emotions you experience in response to your partner's actions.]
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking the negative cycle. By understanding and addressing these dynamics, couples can work towards building a safer and more secure relationship.
Adapted from: "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson.
Identifying our negative cycle can be difficult to do on our own. If its become worse over time and is consistently present in most of your interactions as a couple then it may be time to seek outside help. I invite you to book in online or call the clinic at 250-362-5035
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